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Friday, December 31, 2010

Hot Naijarian Jokes@@@@@@!

Noah versus the Government ark
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "I will give you six months to build Me an Ark. At the end of six months I will send rain fall to cover the entire earth and destroy all bad people. However, I want to save a few good people, and the animals, two of every kind. So I am ordering you to build an Ark for Me," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "No problem," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.

And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Oga, a beg make you forgive me," begged Noah. "I don try - ah! ah!. De trouble were my eye see no be small, I swear. Dem tell me say I need certificate of occupancy before I go kuku build de Ark. I don waka Ministry of Works so tey I tire. Then, I come see say na money dem want, and I carry all de money wey I get gif dem. Na im dem tell me say make I add extra windows for "cross ventilation", and make I divide de toilet from de bath, so that if I de go toilet, another person fit de bath.

Anyway, I pay one engineer so, make im modify de plans for me. So, after I don finish dat one, I come go for forest to go get wood. Dem tell me say I no fit cut wood without permit from Forestry people. Anyway, I go see de forestry people dem and dem say I fit go cut de wood. When I reach de village now, dem no gree make I cut wood. Dem say I must gif dem their share - because na so one big man come from town come cut all de wood for here before for export, and he no pay dem compensation. Na waoh! and me think say government no de gree us export wood. Finally, as dem wan fight me, I quickly settle de village chief, and dem com gree say make I take de wood. Before I go carry de wood reach my house, na so so wahala for road. I settle police, I settle soldier, I settle customs, I settle immigration, I settle tax man, I settle local government, then when I don reach my house now, de truck driver and him boys say if I no settle dem, dem no go help me offload de wood. As I start to build de ark now, na im task force people come mark 'X' for de ark, say I no suppose to build de ark for dis place. Dem ask me say whether I no no say "environmental sanitation decree" no de allow dis kind thing for inside town.

Anyway I think say na my neighbor na im call dem, de man de jealous me well well. Wetin I go do, I settle dem too. "As I say make I kuku hurry finish de ark, na im de carpenters where de help me come talk say dem no go work again unless gif dem extra money. Me sef I surprise wen dem tell me say de here say na big government contract where I de do and plenty money dey inside. To cut long story, I settle dem too. Anyway, people plenty now wey de build de Ark, apprentice full ground.

As I begin to gather de animal dem, I come jam another trouble. De"404" people dem no want make I take their dogs, dem say na delicacy. Bushmeat and fowl people no gree me. Even de people wey de chop "isi ewu" come vex with me. Dem ask me whether I no no say meat don too cost these days, where I wan carry de small meat where dey ground. So, I wan tell you now say, I no fit find dog, fowl, goat, or bush meat, and infact I just manage get cow, as one mallam don nearly dagger me when I want take de cow dem."

"One day as I de build de ark now, na im NDLEA come arrest me carry me go prison for questioning. Dem talk say, dem hear say I wan carry de Ark smuggle cocaine & indian hemp to America. Later, sha dem come find say no be me dem de look for, so dem release me. I never even reach home, when SSS come arrest me for further questioning, say dem here say I be NADECO, and I wan carry de Ark go smuggle guns and bombs to come overthrow Naija government. Anyway, I come convince dem say I no know wetin be NADECO, dem release but tell me make I de report to force headquarters every day.

As I de gather de animal dem, na im FEPA come send me letter say I never gif dem environmental impact assessment for de animal shit where I go throway and de flood where You wan send. I tell dem say na You wan send flood cover de whole world. Dem no happy at all! Dem tell me say nobody fit do dat kind ting without permission from dem. Anyway, as de chief engineer say makeI show am de place where de flood go start, I give am map of de world, he no satisfy, so I settle am too."

"As you see me de cry so, na because ee dey like say dis wahala no de finish. De local government chairman where my house dey come call me tribalistic. Him talk say almost all de carpenters and labourers wey de work for me come from my village. Him talk say I must gif work to some of de town boys. I tell am make he send them, him no gree. Everyday him go send "area boys" to come cause wahala for me. Dem wan spoil de small part of de ark where I don build so. Dem no dey gree us work again. Every day where dem come here I must gif dem money otherwise, dem wan scatter de Ark. Oga Lord, I tell you, I don tire, even sef de other day, tax collector come, come say I never pay tax, say dem wan arrest me. I tell dem say I don pay tax last year, dem tell me say dis year I must pay de tax in advance, so I don kuku spend all de money where I get for settling. "Make I tell you de truth, I no think say I go fit finish dis your Ark sef, even if you gif me five years."

Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean say you no go send flood take destroy de earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"Wetin be dat?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word, "Government."

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Summary in plain English: God told Noah (who is Nigerian in this case) to build an ark, because in 6 months he would send rain to cover the entire earth and kill all bad people. He would save a few good people, and two of each kind of animal. He gave Noah the specifications, and told Noah that "You'd better have my ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

6 months later, God started the rains, and saw Noah on his steps, crying. He demanded to know where the ark was, and sent a lightning bolt on the ground next to him for emphasis.

Noah asked for God's forgiveness, saying he had tried, but he had run into a lot of trouble trying to cut the wood, get the ark built, gather the animals, etc. There were so many permits, rules, regulations, suspicions, and demands that kept appearing in his path. For instance, he had been asked to give the exact spots that the flood was going to hit. Also, it was said that he was really going to use the ark to smuggle guns and bombs to overthrow the Nigerian government. And of course, he kept paying more and more taxes. Also, to get past many of the obstacles that he encountered, he ended up bribing people in hopes of getting the ark done on time.

He cried to God that he was fed up, and would not be able to complete the ark, even if he were given 5 years to do so.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled "Does this mean you wont use a flood to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

God answered "Wrong! But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself."

Noah asked what that was, and God said "Government."


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Abacha's Funeral coffin

(author: Joke Meyers, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

Q: Why was Abacha's body buried in such a hurry?

A: Just in case he changes his mind and decides to wake up!

Background information: Former leader of Nigeria, General Sani Abacha died on June 8, 1998 of a heart attack, and was buried within 24 hours (but this is actually according to Muslim tradition). In his life, he had a history of changing his mind, or going against his word.

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Abiodun Baruwa vampire

(author: TN, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

Q: Why is goalkeeper Abiodun Baruwa sometimes called a vampire?

A: Because he does not like crosses!!

Background information: Abiodun Baruwa is a goalkeeper for the Super Eagles, the Nigerian soccer/football team.

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Salary Bonus dollar sign

(author: Victor Aina, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

The Super Eagles got together, and decided on a match bonus of $15,000 per player. They then sent their captain Okechukwu Uche to Abuja (the capital of Nigeria) in order to present these demands before the NFA (National Football Association) chairman.

Upon hearing what Uche had to say, a big smile appeared on Mr. Aminu's face as he replied: "yes! but you guys must adhere to my terms and conditions."

Uche replied: "..tell me what they are and we shall consider."

Aminu then said: "we shall pay you an additional appearance fee of $500 per minute for every player; if you lose your matches like you are doing now, you get an extra $5000 for your efforts; plus an all expenses paid trip to France 98 for all you families and friends!"

Uche: "Wow! you must be kidding!!"

Aminu: "Yes, but you started it."

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A Day in the Eagles Camp soccer

(source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

As Bora welcomed the players to camp in Switzerland, he shook hands with them and advised them of what he expected of them in the process.

As Taribo West emerged, Bora excitedly shook his hand and patted his back saying: "I would like to see some tough tackles" and West replied: "done deal!"

Next, Sunday Oliseh approached and there was the usual exchange of greetings. Then Bora demanded to see some "crisp, neat and inventive passing"; Oliseh replied: "Bora, that is what I am best at!"

By now Bora was growing a lot of confidence as the previous 21 players had all responded positively to his demands. All was then left to the last player, Eguavoen not to ruin the day. Eventually, he appeared after a long wait with a very stern look on his face (gbagbaaaauuun..)Now all that Bora had heard about Eguavoen was his hot-headedness, and so the coach had no choice but to say to him: "I want PEACE to REIGN in this camp." Just then, Eguavoen dropped his luggage, and ran onto the top of the roof of the Eagles lodge, unzipped his pants and started to discharge the contents of his bladder. An alarmed Bora ran after him to ask if all was well, but Augustine replied. Sir! You said you wanted P1$$ to RAIN on this camp!!!

Even though Eguavoen was fired, Bora has never since recovered from the shock!

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I'm not Nigerian, really! couple

(Source: Unknown)

A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally certified via resident status... but the lady was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda.

Upon marriage, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together.

The Naija man was somewhat perplexed, although not perceptibly, and wondered how he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and postponed until he could do so no more.

Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own don spoil today" was all he could think.

The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. "Hey! It's not every day you meet people from home.!" they admonished.

Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti ja wa?" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to: "I'm a Lagos man. Where did you come from?" Remember, Lagos is a state in Nigeria, and it used to be the capital.

The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi se! Omo Eko gan gan!" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to "Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child!"

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We are the Champions smiley

(author: Wole Fadipe, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

Ijesha man: "We are the sampions! We are the sampions!!"

Calabar man: "Ha! Ha! Ha! what an accent! It is not sampion, it is yampion"

Background information: Ijesha and Calabar are 2 ethnic groups in Nigeria, and they have some accents.

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Ten for the price of two! bills and coins

(author: Segun Awosanya, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

A Chadian supporter followed his national team to Lagos last year to watch a match against the Flying Eagles. As the visitor toured the city, he was fascinated by view of the numerous towering sky-scrapers.

A local then walked up to him and challenged: "Why are you looking at the buildings? Don't you know that you must pay to look at them?" The nervous visitor then offered to pay the fee.

"How many buildings have you looked at?" demanded the Lagosian. "..er er two!" replied the Chadian. The applicable "fees" were then exchanged but as the two men parted, the Chadian said to himself: "Stupid Nigerian! I cheated him! I have looked at ten buildings, but I paid him for just two!"

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Watch Your Pronunciation sir smiley

(author: Jimi Olurakinse, source: Laf it off with Naija Jokes)

As I was in a shop in Ibadan shopping for some sportswear, I overheard the conversation between two gentlemen: man 1 & man 2.

Man 2 seemed to be having trouble with the ue's at the end of words like prologue, dialogue etc:

man 1: "Please when you are done, can I have a look at the catalogway?"
man 2: "Man, it is pronounced as 'catalogue' not 'catalogway'!"
man 1: "Oh! sorry, it was a slip of tongway!"
man 2: "Again sir, that word is pronounced 'tongue' not 'tongway'!"

man 1: "Okay, I will not arg with you!"

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Chaos smiley

(Source: Fred)

This is another TRUE story:

In 1983, a rare breed of politician was asked what will happen if the alleged plan of the ruling party to rig the State House of Assembly election materialized. He responded furiously 'there will be shaoos all over the state'

I wonder how long it took others around him to figure out he meant 'chaos'.

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Hungry and Broke smiley

(Source: Unknown, but I know I've seen variations of this)

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

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The Barber smiley

(Source: Unknown)

An American priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a British police officer on vacation came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Nigerian Businessman came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "If you are really a Nigerian then you don't have to pay since you are from the same country as Akeem Olajuwon the basketballer."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Nigerians in front of his door waiting for a haircut!!!

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Ghost or grandson? ghost

(Source: Unknown)

Late in 1994, an 87 year old great grand father passed on in a village close to Amai, Kwale, Delta State. The late man's grand son by name Ufiaka (26 years old and fairly educated) was given some money and asked to travel to Agbor and buy a fine Casket for his grand pa's burial.

Ufiaka left base early and arrived Agbor in good time to purchase the Casket and make the return journey same day. He was fortunate to get an open back white coloured Peugeot 404 pickup heading for Amai. He, however, had to ride in the back of the pickup with the Casket because two market women travelling to Amai were already seated in front with the driver.

On the home journey, they ran into a heavy rain storm close to Uronigbe and Ufiaka quickly opened the Casket, lay himself nicely in the well padded interior, covered the lid and used the folded newspaper he had with him to leave a small opening between the lid and the main body of the white Casket to ensure adequate ventilation. The interior of the Casket was very comfortable and Ufiaka fell into a very deep sleep.

The rain had subsided at the time the pickup van arrived at Umutu and during a brief stop there, two men traveling to Amai entered the vehicle at the back and the same happened at Ubiaruku where a man and a woman traveling also to Amai entered the vehicle. All this while, Ufiaka was enjoying his beauty sleep inside the Casket completely unaware of the new passengers who boarded at Umutu and Ubiaruku.

The pickup van arrived Amai just after 5 PM and the driver, who was now very hungry, stopped in front of a busy bukataria to have a quick bite before proceeding to the next village. The sudden stoppage and reving of the pickup's engine woke Ufiaka who then opened the lid of the Casket and rose up.

Trouble! Trouble!! Whahala!!! Katakata!!!!

The passengers in the back of the pickup jumped out of the vehicle from various points and took to their heels in various directions. The people eating in open type bukataria (including the mama-put and her service girls) who saw the white Casket open and a 'ghost' step out, ran off all over the place some with balls of eba and akpu in their hands. Ufiaka, seeing people running 'helta skelta' was convinced that armed robbers were operating and decided to take-off in the direction three of the passengers, including the woman, were running.

When the three passengers realised that Ufiaka was running towards them, they increased speed and shouted ghost ghost and to further worsen the situation, Ufiaka was dressed in white up and down with white shoes to match that day.

With the shouting of ghost, other people in their homes came out to see what was going on and on seeing people running at high speed all over they joined in the race for dear life and the number just swelled.

The driver and the two market women were the only people who knew what was going and they had a hell of a time calming the people down.

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The Contractors smiley

(Source: Unknown)

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the French contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the Nigerian contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from France."

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Electric Power smiley

(Source: Unknown)

One day the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) put up a notice that said: "To help us help you, please report all electric faults to us. Thank you."

About a week later one man just went to the NEPA station to report electric faults in his area. When he got to the station, the old man said:

"I hope there is no problem O. I just came here to report that we have been having frequent power supply in our area for the past one week."

NEPA is the electric power company in Nigeria, and they are known for randomly cutting off the power supply. In fact, there used to be a joke that NEPA stands for "Never Expect Power Always".

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Minerals, Part II coke cap

I am not sure if this is the same politician as in the first joke on this page

A man once took his girlfriend to a night club.
After several hours, he asked how the girl is feeling.
The girl said, "I am feeling fantastic, how about you?"
He replied: "I am feeling cokeastic."

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LAGOS DRIVING QUIZ car on road

(Source: Me)

Answers are in italic.
  1. What is the most important part of any car (or any moving vehicle)?

    1. tires
    2. brakes
    3. steering wheel
    4. air conditioning
    5. horn
  2. Which of the following is not acceptable in a traffic jam?

    1. driving (NOT "passing") in the 'opposite-direction-traffic-lane'
    2. making a 2 lane highway into 4 lanes
    3. hitting the vehicle on your left with your hand
    4. having the passenger on the right hit the vehicle on their right with your hand
    5. none of the above...they are all acceptable
  3. What is another name for a pedestrian?

    Risktaker
  4. What is another name for a traffic light?

    Wishful Thinking
  5. How much space do you leave between your car and the cars on your left and right side.

    Minimum space to leave: 1 inch (2.5 centimeters)
    Maximum space to leave: If the driver's left hand can not touch the car to his/her left, then there is too much space in between the cars. The same applies for a passenger on the right and the car to the right.

  6. Who is at fault in a collision
    1. the driver who changes lanes without using the signal or leaving enough room to merge.
    2. the driver who gets hit because he/she didn't honk loudly when the driver above started getting into his/her lane.
  7. Which of the following are you LEAST likely to see on the road as you are driving?
    1. A child selling items
    2. The elderly selling items
    3. Motorcycles zipping in and out of traffic
    4. People fighting
    5. Someone in a vehicle smiling and relaxed

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Who wants to marry a Nigerian millionaire??? money

(Source: Dozie Okpalaobieri)

Welcome to our new and exciting game show.

The rules: Each contestant takes their place in the hot seat and get to ask a few questions of their suitors. At the end of the round, if there is a match, you get oil drilling in Ogoniland. The first occupant of the hot seat is Banke, a lawyer from Ife. Our first contestant is Segun who lives in Ibadan.

Round 1. Banke in hot seat.

Banke: Hi.
Segun: Hello.
Banke: So what is your discipline?
Segun: Finance.
Banke: what do you do?
Segun: I am a manager.
Banke: Segun, everyone in Nigeria is a manager, tell me something better!!
Segun: Well, I am a financial manager in Guiness Asset Management.
Banke: Where are you from anyway?
Segun: I come from Modakeke.
Banke: Ah, o ti o, forget it, please RMD, bring the next contestant(((

Round 2 : Nkiru in Hot seat

Peter: Hello.
Nkiru: Hi, so tell me about yourself.
Peter: I am a trader from Enugu and I go to Taiwan and Singapore twice a year to buy electronics. I have one shop in Onitsha and one in Lagos at Alaba.
Nkiru: Where do you have a house since you are all over the place?
Peter: Well, I live in Ebutte Meta so that's no problem.
Nkiru: Well, at xmas time, where would we spend xmas, in my home town of Mbaise or in Enugu where you are from?
Peter: Oh, you are from Mbaise? (He laughs a little) Chei, so you have not heard that if you ever see an Mbaise woman and a snake, kill the Mbaise woman first before you kill the snake??? Chei, RMD, I quit(..

Round 3: Aishatu Magaji in the hot seat

This round had to be stopped because Aishatu had already been betrothed to Alhaji Megida since the age of 12.

Round 4: Bisi on the hot seat

Bisi: Hello RMD.
RMD: Hello to you too, your first contestant is Emeka; Welcome.
Emeka: Thanks RMD, Bisi, Hello.
Bisi: Hi, so tell me about yourself, what you do for a living etc.
Emeka: I am from Oboiwu, I am an Investment Banker and I love to play chess.
Bisi: RMD, can I make use of one of my life lines?
RMD: Sure, why not, who do you want to call?
Bisi: I will call my mother.
RMD: Okay, Nitel and Multilink will both try to reach your mother.

(Multilink operator: We have Bisi's mom on the line.)
(RMD: Thanks.)

RMD: Mama Bisi, This is RMD here with Bisi who is playing to win a husband and get oil drilling rights in Ogoni land, she needs you to help her make her choice.
Mama Bisi: Yes, how can I help
Bisi: Mummy, I have Emeka here who is an investment banker from Oboiwu and I am definitely interested.
Mama Bisi: Does his father own a bank?
Bisi: No ma.
Mama Bisi: Do they own a factory?

(Nitel Operator: RMD, we are really sorry but all trunks are busy, please try later.)
(RMD: You've been very helpful, thanks.)

Bisi: No ma.
Mama Bisi: So he's a banker?
Bisi: Yes ma.
Mama Bisi: Omo Ibo ko, Owo Ibo ni, se ori re ope ni? Look, you better come home now and forget Omo Ibo, Seyi's father owns a bank, I want you to marry him. A person who works in a bank is a worker not a banker!!! (Hangs up)
RMD: So do you want to continue?
Bisi: No, I will quit now.
RMD: Is that your final answer?
Bisi: Unfortunately yes.

Final Round: Bunmi on the hot seat

RMD: Welcome to the......
Bunmi: RMD, lets not waste any time today, lets get on with it.
RMD: Aha....we are on schedule and .....
Bunmi: You are not on my own schedule oh, I need a man and I need him yesterday.
RMD: Okay, our first contestant is Tayo.
Bunmi: Is Tayo an old KC boy?
RMD: What does it matter?
Bunmi: I went to QC and anything less is absolutely unacceptable.
RMD: Okay, maybe we should bring IK, a lawyer now and an old student from KC.
Bunmi: Ik, Ik..., is that IK Benson?
RMD: Yes, you are psychic!!!
Bunmi: RMD, I will marry him, I dated him before and know all about him. Besides he went to Unilag too. Thanks

RMD: What a day, with that we bring an end to today's show, we would like to thank our sponsors, MULTILINK, NITEL and NAIJACARD.......A message from our sponsors.

This Game show was brought to you by NAIJACARD......


Marrying a British Guy : Right of Abode
Marrying an American : Green Card
Marrying a Japanese woman: Lots of Sushi
Marrying a Nigerian: Priceless

There are some things that Oyibo can't do
For everything else, there's a naija guy/babe.......

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More 'making fun of accents' smiley

(Source: Unknown)

NNA, IYON AND KANABAR

An Akwa Ibom passenger once boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus driver was an Ijaw man and the conductor was a Calabar man.

The Akwa Ibom man said to the bus conductor, "Ah de ko ori oro."

The conductor then told the driver, "Idi-oro wa O."

The above statements were not in English

On the way, the bus had a flat tire. The Ijaw man then told his conductor, "Zackson, get the zack, make you put the spare tire. Make you no allow us sleep for road in Nagos O."

The conductor cracked up in laughter, "Oka Yohn, you dey call yack Zack, You no know say dem no go understand you for Dagos."

The above statements WERE in English

One Igbo man then disembarked the bus in anger and exclaimed, "Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.".....

In Yoruba, this translates to "a worm swallowed my fish, a cow jumps up".

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OGA, WATER PLEASE! smiley

(Source: Eddie Danso with some italicized word replacements from me)

I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonial people. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account.

This is my story....

It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost.

I was at YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal).

I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were supposed to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm.

He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me. Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed.

He introduced himself as Adepoju Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole thing up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French.

I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo(my man) was trying hard to be British.

After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants).

My status....

I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over £1000 on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home.

My downfall....

Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall. I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Asshole) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cockroach in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know.

I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong.

I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over.

They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

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Plantains (yet another 'making fun of accents') smiley

(Source: Unknown)

Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?

He asks "Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?"...some people (like me) have trouble with the 'r', and with some people, it sounds like an 'l'

Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',
          if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
          if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
          All of them na plantain,
          so whish one you wan make I spell?

He is describing the different ways that plantains can be cooked...frying ripe ones makes 'dodo', frying unripe ones make 'chips', roasting plantains makes 'boli'.

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LONDON ZOO smiley

(Source: Unknown)

A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoo for sightseeing. On getting to the section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving out plenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. The more the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.

This young man suddenly had an idea and when he got back to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.

During his next visit to London, he went into the zoo and took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money than the real monkeys.

The king of the monkeys didn't like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had to go on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey who now became the new king.

The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into the cage. The new king pocketed his money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could not comprehend this and would not allow all that money to go away like that; so he jumped into the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion's cage.

The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.

Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:

"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you."

In plain English, the lion said "If we weren't all Nigerians, I would show you"

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1 IN 4 AFRICANS IS NIGERIAN smiley

(Source: read below)

Outgoing scribe of the commonwealth, Chief Emeka Anyaoku at a reception in his honour by the Nigerian High Commissioner to the United Kingdom, Chief Bola Ajibola gave the following Ad lib:

"A Kenyan couple having three children, were quarreling over having a fourth child. The husband wanted a fourth and claimed he could afford it. The wife was vehemently opposed to the idea. The extended family intervened and wanted to know why the wife was so strongly opposed to the idea. Eventually, the wife gave her reason, in-between sobs. She said she had learnt that one in every four Africans is a Nigerian."

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SUNDAY SERVICE smiley

(Source: unknown)


At a Sunday service:

Pastor: Brethren, if you want a model of love, open your Bibles to Luke 10:30-37.
Congregation: Yes, THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Pastor: If you want a model of FORGIVENESS, open to Luke 15: 11-32.
Congregation: Yes! THE PRODIGAL SON
Pastor: And if you want a model of GENEROSITY, open to Luke 21: 1-4.
Congregation: The WIDOW'S CONTRIBUTION
Pastor: But if you want a model of how brothers should not treat themselves, where should one go?
Congregation: IFE and MODAKEKE OR KADUNA AND LAGOS! These are places in Nigeria

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AFRICAN ROULETTE smiley

(Source: unknown)

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game."

The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.

This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"

The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."

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TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE smiley

(Source: from Naijanet)

A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point.

The policeman stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.

The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?"

The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here.

The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading!!!

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TRAIN RIDE smiley

(Source: unknown)

Three Americans and three Nigerians are traveling by a US train to a conference. The three Americans each bought tickets and watched as the three Nigerians bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch the ride my yute !" answers a Nigerian. They all boarded the train. The Americans took their respective seats but all three Nigerians cramped into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Americans decided to copy the Nigerians on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Nigerians did not buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!! " says a Nigerian. When they boarded the train the three Americans cramped into a restroom and the three Nigerians cramped into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Nigerians leaves their restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans were hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
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OUT OF NIGERIA FOR TOO LONG smiley

(Source: unknown)

You know you've been here (in the United States) too long when you say:
  • "Truck" instead of "Lorry"
  • "SUV" instead of "Jeep"
  • "Forget it" instead of "Fashi"
  • "Wuz up" instead of "How far now"
  • "Hood" instead of "Bonnet"
  • "Trunk" instead of "Boot"
  • "Stop making fun of me" instead of "Stop yabbing me" or "Stop abusing me"
  • "Gas station" instead of "Petrol Station"
  • "Fries" instead of "Chips"
  • "Big Mac, Chicken McGrill, * Pounder" instead of just plain "Burger"
  • "Crispy" instead of "Cripsy"
  • "Fireworks/Firecrackers" instead of "Banga"
  • "Soda/Pop" instead of "Minerals"
  • "Coccaine/weed" instead of "gbana"
  • "Crazy" instead of "We re" (I"m sure the spelling aint right)
  • "Laundry Detergent" instead of "OMO"
  • "Dryer" instead of "Hang it in the sun"
  • "Service" instead of "Sa veece" (e silent)
  • "Stupid" instead of "Olodo/Ode"
  • "Cinder Block" instead of "Bricks"
  • "Concrete" instead of "Cement"
  • "Peugeot" instead of "Pe-geot"
  • "Trash Can" instead of "Dozbin"
  • "Shower" instead of "Bath"
  • "Power is out" instead of " NEPA has taken light"
  • "Phone is dead/cut off" instead of "NITEL"
  • "Cop" instead of "MoPol"
  • "Traffic Light" instead of "Yellow Fever"
  • "Cab" instead of "Taxi"
  • "E-Mail" instead of "What???" (Just kidding some know what e-mail is)
  • "Hit me up later" instead of "We go yan"
  • "Pass Out" instead of "Graduate"
  • "Security Guard" instead of "Gateman"
  • "Cafeteria" instead of "Canteen"
  • "Faucet" instead of "Tap"
  • "Steal" instead of Tap"
  • "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit" (Cabin)
  • "Pants" instead of "trouser/trousee"
  • "underwear" instead of "pant"
  • "VCR" instead of "Video"
  • "Movie" instead of "Film"
  • "Extensions" instead of "Attachment" (Hair)
  • "Lotion" instead of "Cream"
  • "Compact/Press Powder" instead of "Pancake"
  • "Cornrows" instead of "weave"
  • "Weave" instead of "Weave-on"
  • "Suitcase" instead of "Box"
  • "High school" instead of "Secondary School"
  • "Grade school" instead of "Primary school"
  • "Wifebeater" instead of "singlet"
  • "Sneakers" instead of "Canvas"
  • "Soccer" instead of "Football"
  • "Motorcycle" instead of "meshin", or "okada"
  • College" instead of "yunivasiti"
  • "Car" instead of "moto"
  • "Flipflops" instead of "silpas"
  • "Nail polish" instead of "Cotex"
  • "Braids" instead of "Bob Mali"
  • "gum" instead of "chin-gum"
  • "smoke" instead of "tab"
  • "Shower" instead of "Baaf"
  • "Clothes" instead of "Spoot"
  • "Hallway" instead of "Corridoor"
  • "Living/Sitting Room" instead of "Paalor
  • "Balcony" instead of "Varanda"
  • "Stab/Poke" instead of "Chook"
  • "Ballpoint" instead of "Buyro" or "Beek"
  • "African American" instead of "... ok I won't go there!!!
  • "Sandals" instead of "Bata"... as in Cortina
  • "VW Bug" instead of "Bittle"
  • "Arithmetic" instead of "Mats"
  • "Abroad" instead of "Oversis"
  • "Luggage" instead of "Load" ... or for my Igbo peeps... "Ngwongwo"
  • "Menthol" instead of "Veeks"
  • "Tetanus" instead of "Jeega Shot (rx)" instead of "injekshun"
  • "Boss" instead of "Oga"
  • "CEO" instead of "Oga Pata pata"
  • "Manners" instead of "Home training"
  • "Circle" instead of "roundabout"
  • "Projects" instead of "GRA ...government residential area"
  • "Apartment building" instead of "blok of flats"
  • "Carpool" instead of "Kabu kabu"
  • "Flashlight" instead of "touch"
  • "Hoe ( not the digging instrument )" instead of "Ashawo"
  • "Knock knees" instead of "k leg"
  • "Eye infection" instead of "Appolo" ... cureable only by flushing eyes out with sugar water

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NIGERIA AIR smiley

(Source: unknown)

You know you are flying Nigeria Air when.......
  1. You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.
  2. Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.
  3. The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says .." beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh... "
  4. Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that "..this is NOT a boarding announcement.".
  5. You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment.
  6. At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort).
  7. No magazine or news paper to read unless if you bring one.
  8. Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means.
  9. When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"
  10. Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".
  11. The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum.... then it starts to drip on you.
  12. Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane gentleeee.
  13. Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line
  14. The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"

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GREEN, YELLOW AND PINK (yet another 'making fun of accents') smiley

(Source: unknown)

A Hawaiian and a Yoruban were asked to combine a sentence with the words: Green, Yellow, and Pink.

The Hawaiian wrote: "Every morning I put on my pink shirt, light up my green cigarette, and look at the yellow sun."

The Yoruba wrote: "Every time I hear the phone ring Green, Green, I Pink it up and say Yellow?"


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NAIJA CHILD OF THE 80S smiley

(Source: Ikenna)

You might be a Naija Child of the 80's if:
  1. The opening of your school was ever "postponed indefinitely due to circumstances beyond their control."
  2. You remember thinking that the 1 dollar to 4 Naira exchange rate was TOO high.
  3. You actively celebrated Nigeria's 25th birthday with songs like:"we are 25 ring the bell...!" and mourned it...with songs like "which way Nigeria?"
  4. You didn't know that the name GRINGORY was actually the Naija (mis)pronunciation of GREGORY.
  5. You know what OFN, WAI, MAMSER, SAP and SFEM really stand for! (These Are acronyms for Operation Feed the Nation, War Against Indiscipline and Mass Mobilization for Social and Economic Recovery)
  6. You remember collecting comic inserts from "bazooka joe" bubble gum.
  7. You remember eating soya beans as a substitute for meat...not because you were vegetarian but because of otanishi...
  8. You know what to respond when someone says "Story, Story" ... "once upon a time"
  9. You remember how to sing Jide Obi's song "Ngozi"
  10. You thought deodorant was just another perfume you could choose to use, or not, depending on your mood.
  11. You ever acted on "Impulse" (didn't you just love that commercial).
  12. You know all the words to the song "Sweet Mother".
  13. You STILL remember the words to Nigeria's Old Anthem ... "NIGERIA WE HAIL THEE... "
  14. You remember the jingles for NPP and NPN.
  15. (For women only) You EVER wore "peddle-pushers" then you are definitely a child of the 80's.
  16. You remember reading pop comics.
  17. (For the guys) "Ikebe Super" and "Dauda" were regular recreational reading.
  18. You were actually afraid of "Willie Willie"
  19. Your Friday nights were reserved for Cock Crown at Dawn...and Bitrus, Uncle Gaga and Zamai still feel like close relatives.
  20. You never thought that the "Ghana go home" crusade was proof that Naija would always be better off than its neighbors.
  21. You know how to sing the words to the Joy Soap commercial...you know the one - "Hey, Joy Giaaalll".
  22. You know what president the song "isi ewu na garri" refers to.
  23. For the ladies, you've actually read over 40 Mills & Boons or Harlequin Romance novels and didn't notice any similarities.
  24. (For those who went to Secondary School) Ababio and Abbot are an integral part of your vocabulary. And you know that no matter how many times you write your name on those books, they'll get lifted the minute you turn your back.
  25. You know who Barbara Soki is.
  26. You still use "blue" when washing your white clothes.

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SCORE OF 100 smiley

(Source: unknown)

Little Chioma came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."


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SCORE OF 100 smiley

(Source: Tunde Adeleye)

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN LONDON

You know you are in London before the Pilot announces on the intercom. You start seeing bright colourful lights and beautiful landscapes (assuming you arrive at night) below you and no matter the season, you will no doubt experience a chilly atmosphere - a stark contrast to Naija where you look down from the plane and you will almost certainly see a rough and uneven landscape.

And if you were already dozing, you will be forced to wake up due to the unbearable heat. And you will not fail to notice that some areas on that landscape you have just viewed from the plane is dark. Oh! My God, you pray - "Let them not take the light in our area o" - you mutter inaudibly to yourself.

Welcome to Naija.

Surely, you know you are in London when the Airport officials refrain from asking you "Oga wetin you bring come?". You trudge on blissfully, basking in the knowledge that you have finally arrived in London. You stand in the queue. (Mind you, no one is jumping the queue and no official is carrying five or six passports in his/her hands and taking it to the front of the counter to be stamped on behalf of some VIP or a passenger who just happened to tip him/her).

Yet you are surprised when no official delays you unnecessarily or seeking to obtain "egunje" from you, or an official examining your British passport and looking suspiciously at you and asking, "Are you sure you are the one in the photograph?", "Can you stand in the corner there?", "I need to take your passport into our office to see oga", .............

Strange as it may seem, you are not feeling any heat at all whilst standing in the queue. Everywhere is cool. Your luggage arrives without unnecessary delay, since the entire luggage is being driven by a cargo and not being pushed by two hefty men. Three flights arrive at approximately the same time, yet there are enough trolleys for every passenger. No official instructs you to go outside the airport to pick up trolleys because they've run out of trolleys inside the airport.

Finally, you make it past Customs, still no hassles. No one asks, "Oga wetin you chop remain". You make it to the visitors area and you are glad someone was there to welcome you and take you home. But whilst coming out of the airport, something funny keeps lurking in your mind. Ah......you remembered. Airport touts do not approach you with the saying "Oga, welcome sir , make I carry your luggage?".

Unlike in MM airport in Lagos -You hear one tout say to another tout as he attempts to take your luggage, "My friend, abeg clear. Na me get here first. If you no leave dat luggage, I swear I go wipe ya face and if ya teeth no fly comot my name nobi Igodalo". Survival of the fittest eh! Okay, you let the bully take your luggage and once he loads it to the back of the car for you, he hits you with a bombshell. He expects you to pay him in pounds! Pounds? Yeah! they grow on trees, don't they?

On the way home, you are puzzled that "area boys" did not ask you to tip them.

Lagos is a different scenario. You are confronted by six "area boys". All of them are tall, ugly and looking with menacing eyes. They start singing your praises. "Oga mi sir, more blessing. Ti e oni baje. Ama run awon ota e ni jeje ni. Iwoyi next year, na multiple visa. Americana Londoner, surely stopping over briefly in Naija and shuttling back to London. Ha! see your rosy cheeks na, looking very infectious. Oga with fighting pounds and dollars overriding every currency in abundance. Father, ko ni re yin o !"

You grudgingly take in all the encomiums (which you are sure had been perfectly rehearsed and probably said many times) and do what is expected of you by giving them 200 Naira. The gang are not pleased. Unashamedly, they retort by saying "Oga! Emi Emi laye mi. Se elebi lepe wa ni?" - In other words, they are indicating nonchalantly that the money is not enough. You reel off more Naira notes and hand them Another 300 Naira. Again, they don't appear to be contented. They reply by saying "Oga mi, owo ija le le yi o !" At first, you don't understand what they meant. Then it finally dawns on you. With the money you have just given them, you cannot possibly expect 6 of them to share the money equally without beating each other into a pulp. Of course, they expect you to give them some more money. If you refuse, they could turn nasty and smash your car or take it forcibly from you. You back down by giving them another 100 Naira to make them happy. "Baba rere!" They hail you once more, "Wa gbayi, Ese se nso ro ni! Eto te se fun wa ara ni o. Yo se! "- meaning you can go. You look back at the incident and as if you have just been held hostage and granted amnesty, you laugh inwardly to yourself whilst feeling relieved as well.

Back in London - You wake up the next day and you are still nursing that inward feeling of uneasiness and happiness. You had a peaceful sleep but you are surprised that the neighbourhood was very quiet. Mmm...not a single sound disrupted your sleep. There was no Aladura clanging the bell in the early hours of the morning and ranting, "Edi de, e gba dura - Ijoba olorun ku si dede". Also, no sound emanated from the Mosque blaring "ALLAU WAQBA !!"

Afterwards, you jerk yourself to reality that you are indeed in London. You stare out of the window, PAKO in mouth and a bedroom wrapper round your neck and covering your body. You admire the scenario surrounding you and you begin to sing while chewing your PAKO- "Ose ose o, ose o, ose Baba. Ope lo ye o" (Thank you father. You deserve to be Praised).

Your face meets that of a neighbour across the street. She is an elderly white lady who is baffled that you are singing to yourself, "chewing a stick" and wearing a funny attire. She shakes her head uncontrollably and concludes you are a weirdo. If looks could kill, you definitely got the message and realize only then that you are in London.

It's afternoon and the sun is up. You perch on your window watching the movements of people as they go about their business. One thing strikes you as odd. Something is amiss. Then you realize that no one is Hawking "PURE WATER", or wan buy PA-PER", "FOYIN ! FOYIN !", "Pombe pombe e ", "Langbejina o", " Fine Bread", "Olosan yin na ti de o". "Elewa aganyin ti de o". etc. Further still, there is no "Shume". No "Ejika ni shop". No "Eleran". And then it continues to dawn on you that you are in London.

You decide to go out after being in London for a week. After all, you deserve a "Stroke" out. Yet, something warns you that such inadvertent mistake will be sniggered at in London. You realize you are meant to say "Stroll" and you accept the need to adapt quickly to the English culture.

Everywhere is clean. There are no gutters about. And there is no visible refuse dump on the streets or main road. Unlike Naija, there are notable places in Isolo, Mushin and Aguda where the refuse dump is SOOOOO BIG, you wonder how on earth people in their right minds choose to dump waste on a major road. And the saddest thing is that people living in the area are not perturbed or disturbed by the filth. There are several restaurants opposite the refuse dump and people eat and drink oblivious to the sad surroundings they live in. It would seem as if they do not have any perceptive means with which to smell the terrible (e bi ma gbe mi (vomit - type) of filth. Worst still, they even feed babies out in the open filth.

If that is sad, what can be said of people who climb to the top of the dump looking for re-sellable items. They are even closer to the dump than people on the streets. Can they not perceive the smell?

But I digress. Back to London. Bravely, you enter a bus and embark on a short ride. Mmmm. That's funny. People are not rushing to enter the bus - and the usual stampede for seats is missing too. "Iya Rashida, ewa joko si yin". People actually queued to enter the bus. Noticeably, no one is hawking in the bus trying to sell you a special product that happens to cure every ailment afflicting the human anatomy - from Lakuregbe to Ofinkin, Ara riro, Iba, Otutu, Igbona, Jedijedi, Ifo, eela, Lapalapa, Akokoro, Efori, etc...(With fondness, you remember Zebrudaya's rendition of advertising the detergent soap power - "weda it are doti of baby napi or doti of mechanic uniform, the new improved elephant blue detergent are have powerful to wash deep down and abolish all the doti........from now on, go to bi purchase the new improved elephant blue detergent - even plus including missus").............

Also the conductor did not rant about his destination. "Ikeja keja keja. Anthony ma wole o. Wole pelu change e ni o, ma so yin po ni o. No change fifty Naira o. Maalo moto. Wo egbe e ? Wole kanleeeeeeeeee". You are amused.

You recall with nostalgia that most drivers in Naija drive like maniacs - majority of whom do not bother to wear a seat belt. They convert a two lane carriage way into four, sometimes five. They don't give way. They don't know what a T- Junction is and that the car on the motorway has the right of way. Congestion's are all over the place due to accidents, a driver going fast or a driver engaging the gear but not his brain.

You start listening to irate drivers shouting: "Mister man, you are a bloody fool, 'comon MOVE your wretched car out of the way"; "Sharrrap!! Iwo na you are a bombastic nincompoop" ; "Han! Han! Tori olorun. Who park this motorcar for here and go? Be it who, he, she or her is a silly buffoon"; "Do you know whom you are taking to?" ; "Hen hen! Na your name dem dey take collect money for bank, abeg comot for road make man pass"; "Can't you bus drivers learn how to be courteous on the road and give way? This won't create any unnecessary congestion"; "Ha! him dey blow grammar, wo! make I hear gbosa for my car, na hin be say you don see trouble"; "Se you blind? Can't you see I can't pass"; "Igbanladogi e, Iyen ni mo fe teba ti, jo yi wo e soun jare"; "Na for farm you take learn driving? See as e dey drive like craze man"; "O de maalo oko asewo"; "Ni se ni ko wa fo"; "Ogbeni, ma je ko wo le o. Ma na gede para o " , etc.

Some drivers don't even bother to signal before changing lanes. And it is a ritual to blare the horn when overtaking any car - an indication to the opposite driver that he should be aware of the car next to his. Consciously, some drivers even leave the hazard lights on for the entire duration of their journey. This is supposed to be a fashionable thing now. And I thought initially that the hazard light is only to be used during an emergency.

In England, you find that driving generally is orderly. As the bus journeys on, the bus is stuck in a traffic jam. Ah.....Careful, you don't want to be heard saying "go slow". Again, there are no hawkers trying to sell you their wares. Also, the indiscriminate hooting of car horns is nowhere to be heard.

Mmmm. There's more. There are no "agberos" or area boys to demand "land" money from your bus driver. Even the conductor's affable Akwa Ibom accent when he says, "driver wero wero (wait o wait o), e remain blanket o" - whilst trying to offload a passenger's goods is missing.

Funny still! There are no illegal road blocks. No Policemen shouting "Oya, park. Wey ya particulars". And even if you do have them in your possession, you are likely to hear this remark, "Oya, come go open ya boot", If he's satisfied with his "search", he may look your car over, desperate to find a fault with it and say, "Oga, you no get wiper ", (as if it rains that much in Naija), "Oya, which ones now, see me" - invariably, he is implying that he wants a bribe.

The Police not only take "Egunje", they now take it from you openly. It is a known fact that in Naija, the Police IG instructs his men to deliver something in the region of 30, 000 Naira everyday to him. Any surplus, be it 10k, becomes theirs. But they must not fail to deliver the purported 30k to their boss.

Danfo/molue drivers bear the brunt of this unfair set up. All over Lagos, these buses have to fork out 20 Naira everyday to policemen as they embark on their journey. Their car is marked so that when they come back on that same route, they don't have to trouble them for a second fee.

Back inside the London bus, you witness two teenage kids indulging in a passionate kiss, and you stare at them with mouth agape. You realize that act you are seeing before your eyes in the bus is alien in Naija. Some two streets away, you decide to get off the bus. You are almost tempted to say "owa o", before realizing you only need to press the bell to alert the driver of your intention to get off the bus. Mmm. You wisely copied the last passenger's move and got out in the middle exit doors instead of the entrance door.

Other commuters alight without any problems. People are not indulging in "Bolekajas" by saying, "Ma demu le gbe e", "Meshionu, my friend speak English, I no understand Yoruba. Na who you wan cheat? Abeg give me my change", "Conductor, o de wa gbe ru mi,", "Awon wo lofe sopo, ti nba send e ni left, oju e ma be ni", "Mister man, look as you "mash" my shoe", "You lucky say I dey fast. Yeye man, just carry your trouble go", "Ehen! when you get car for home unko! Na me say make you enter bus, abeg no nak me tori o say you be staff, cuz you nefer pay me" etc.......

By now you are thirsty and need a drink. You enter a shop and you are immediately confronted with the enquiring eyes of an Asian shopkeeper. He looks at you suspiciously. You pick out a drink and realize to your dismay that you don't have enough change on you. A thought creeps to your mind. "Mallam, I no get change. I go settle you later". What if the man protests?

Another thought creeps to your mind. "Mallam, abeg chill. I go pay you later, Allah". Suddenly, you realize with resigned indignation, that you are not in Naija. Finally, you scramble for some coins sufficient enough to buy you that drink.

Four hours later, nature calls. Your bowels are full and your bladder needs emptying. You look around for a convenient spot to deposit the contents. As you undo your zipper against a wall, three white passers-by stare at you disbelievingly at what you are about to do. In a flash, you quickly pull your zipper back up and walk off realizing for the umpteenth time that you are in London. You say to yourself "ha! Naija kare jare".

It is now dark as you make it back home. The light is still on. It has been like this for a month since you arrived. The water too is constant. And there is hot water too. No one knocks on your door to ask "Broda, semo le ri sibi sugar ni be yen".

After a month in London, you start to mimic the way the English speak with words like "Na mean" and "innit" "na wharam saying", "Yeah mon", "wo sapping", "I'm gonna and I wanna". And some American colloquial phrases like " Ya! All, Whatever!"

Your accent changes overnight and you start speaking like an Englishman and start pronouncing words, albeit tongue twisting them with difficulty - such as saying "Twenny", "Compura", "Inranet", "Sariday", "New York Siri", etc..

You change your name from Tajudeen to Dean. Or from Sherifatu to simply Sherry. Or from Chukwudi to Chuck; from Polycarp to Paul, from Toyin to Tony; from Lekan to Lee; from Jimoh to simply Jim; from Sesan to Sean; from Bilikisu to Billy; from Mulikatu to Katie; from Sidikatu to Cindy; from Moriamo to Maureen; from Alani to Alan; from Rafiu to Ralph; from Ramoni to Ray; from Ogoluwakitan to Keith, from Aborishade to Boris, Gbenga to Ben, Morufu to Murphy and so on...............

This is all in a vain attempt to appear posh. You are privileged to be invited to a dinner. You sit next to your pal and you get served vegetable salad for starters. Everyone starts eating away. You make an effort to eat a mouthful of salad but the taste does not agree with you. You carefully and skilfully spit it out without anyone noticing.

Still everyone continues to eat their salad - by this time your friend has nearly finished his. After a few minutes, you can't take it anymore and you ask your friend, "Una, abi dem cook ya own", - referring to your pal's salad.

What a shame! You are now in London. Frankly speaking, you would have preferred "gira", "ogbono" or "esiewu" to the set up in front of you. But your lifestyle is about to change. Your thinking, your personality and your overall outlook to life will merge inevitably with the British culture. And as long as you remain here (assuming your papers are valid and you are lucky not to be deported), your psyche will remain unchangeable. That is until you return to Naija and conformity with the British culture remains an inescapable reality

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